The first time I tried kratom I was on a solo road trip through Sedona, Arizona and experiencing heart pounding anxiety which was a normal thing for me but it always feels anything but normal.
Someone I met in town suggested I go to the local kava bar and try kratom tea to help with my angst. They made it sound like this stuff was god’s gift to us, “Not only will it make you feel great but it is completely natural, legal, and you don’t need a prescription for it!” It worked. I felt great with not a worry in the world for a few hours.
I proceeded with my road trip and found another kava bar in Phoenix and then in San Diego. At that point, I hadn’t even thought about buying kratom online. I really liked it but wasn’t dependent on the substance yet.
To my great luck, a kava bar opened up in my home town in Idaho a couple months later. I started purchasing kratom drinks every once in a while but soon it turned into everyday and then with triple the number of kratom shots in it. I quickly realized I couldn’t be spending $18 a drink and driving across town every time I felt like I had low energy or anxiety.
Coincidentally, I started seeing kratom being sold in a capsule form at local gas stations. The kratom capsules were a lot less expensive and more convenient to consume than the tea.
That didn’t work for long, as I knew taking handfuls of any kind of capsule couldn’t be good for your digestive system. With kratom, you quickly need more of it more often to feel the same effect. After a couple of months of taking it consistently, I would notice that if I went too long without it, I would start having withdrawals from kratom. For me that manifested as restless legs, night sweats, insomnia, irritability and low mood. I also started to realize I had bad brain fog and while I’m usually very sharp, things just weren’t clicking like they used to before I started using kratom.
You would think that would be enough for anyone to stop using kratom, but I made excuses that other things were causing these negative symptoms. I found retailers online that supposedly sold more pure kratom and bought bags of powder kratom thinking these products wouldn’t have the horrible side effects I was starting to experience from gas station kratom. I would mix the powder with a little bit of water and drink the gross sludge 3 or 4 times a day. I started at 1.5 grams per day of kratom, at the beginning and at the end I was taking at least 30 grams per day. I was starting to hide my kratom intake too. I was finding ways to take it on trips without others knowing. When someone did see me take it I told them it was my go-go juice and all natural. Even with my laid back comments about it, I knew this was becoming a real problem. I tried weaning kratom multiple times but that didn’t work for me as I would have withdrawals even if I cut back just a little bit. This was about the same time a friend of mine had to go to a detox center because of having manic behaviors that started after they started consuming kratom.
Sadly, I was the one who recommended it to my friend for their own anxiety as at first, I thought it was the answer. I was getting scared for myself at this point and found a podcast called The Kratom Sobriety podcast. That day changed my life. I binged listened to multiple episodes of personal stories of how kratom addiction had ruined people's lives. There was no more denying it any longer, I was addicted to kratom and I needed help.
I broke down to my now husband and told him how embarrassed, ashamed and afraid I was to be addicted to something I couldn’t quit and it was really starting to affect my well being.
I gave him all the kratom I had and told him it would never be okay for me to have it again. Thank god, he was supportive and proud of me. That was the first day in at least 6 months I had gone without kratom.
I didn’t sleep a minute that night. The withdrawal symptoms from kratom were in full effect. My mind was racing, my legs felt like they wanted to come out of my body. I sweated through my clothes and my sheets. The next couple of nights felt similar. During the days, I was irritable with low mood and little energy. My physical withdrawal symptoms from kratom lasted for about a week. I assumed the first week would be hard and was mentally prepared for that. However, what came after that was completely unexpected. My anxiety became worse than it ever had been and I was severely depressed even though I had been sober from kratom for weeks.
I didn’t know anything about Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) from kratom and quickly realized why people start using kratom again even after it is out of their system completely…they still feel absolutely miserable. I was determined not to go backwards, and now, at least I had some sort of logic to explain how I was feeling.
Consistently consuming kratom had severely affected my brain chemistry and that’s something that can take months to recover from. I knew I needed a kratom withdrawal treatment but had no idea where to find it.
During this whole process, doctors in my town were uneducated about kratom and didn't know how to help. I was prescribed medications that either made my symptoms worse, didn’t do anything at all or also created the risk of another dependency. At this point, I was supposed to be getting married in 6 weeks and throwing a wedding of a lifetime. However, I didn’t feel like getting married. I didn’t feel like doing anything. Thankfully, between consuming supplements, vitamins, learning ways to regulate my nervous system daily and taking a low dose antidepressant, I made it to my wedding weekend feeling good with a REAL smile on my face.
What brought me the most shame was this took place during my first year of motherhood. I used kratom as my crutch for sleepless nights, the stress of being a new mother, working full time, my generalized anxiety, not wanting any apples to fall, and not asking for help. But with darkness comes light, and I found kratom dependency is a huge problem in our country that I am not the only one who has suffered from.
I didn’t have the knowledge, resources, support and care that I needed during the time I was trying to become kratom free.
Which led me to spending hundreds of hours researching this unregulated substance that can be found in gas stations, smoke shops, markets, and easily online in the United States. Through online support communities, podcasts and helping others, I have witnessed too many heartbreaking stories of how kratom addiction has taken over people's lives.
There are some people who can use it once in a while and not get addicted, but that wasn’t my story. I am an intelligent, level headed mother, wife and professional. It also hasn’t been the story of thousands of others who ended up in rehab, in debt, divorced or dead. I count myself a lucky one and hope to be of help to others.
